Losing it...

sadly...

can't hold it...

i'm losing the plot...

i can feel it slipping away...

what got me to this situation i don't know. but this week, i just felt like i was losing my vision for what God has in store for me. only 2 weeks ago i THOUGHT God was trying to tell me something, with the burdens he placed in my heart and all, i thought i was getting a REVELATION, something to work with.

But all i have now is a lousy attitude and a distracted mind. i really think my attitude towards God and ministry stinks as of the last few days. and i hate it....hate living this way. i hate doing stuff and 'going through the motions' while being too concerned about what people around me have to say.i detest living for any other cause. why? cause i know man can fail. he failed me many times before. only God will never fail, and i'm grateful for that.

i can name a few things that might have caused my focus to be blurred. studies, relationships, commitments, selfish desires. man i can picture evey one of them now, and how it's pulling me away from what God wants in my life. and also, i have this attitude i've always wanted to get rid of and i haven't succumbed to it yet, but its tempting me. it's tempting me to be cynical, judgemental and drawing me to jump to conclusions easily. i KNOW for a fact this can cause others to stumble. that's why i'm trying not to fall into these things. it's hard tho, but i try.

what should i do? well i need to stop being selfish, and start thinking like i used to, the mindset which has God first and me last. i need to stop being complacent, i need to find that fire again. i need to find the drive, i need to set the reason im doing this for straight. i don't believe i let friends get in the way of me and my ministry. feel so duhh...well it's not that i dont need friends, but mayb i shud learn to need them less. total dependancy placed on the most high, never seeking for worldly approval, always seeking to glorify his name by doing EXACTLY what he wants, even tho i do it alone.

i need my plot back....

i want to find it...

God help...

please...

...